It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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