Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
