Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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