I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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