I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
