i may or may not be watching the land before time
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
