Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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