My first STD was from a foam party
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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