Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
