Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
