tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
He passed out mid-signature
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
