I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
