Your favorite bartender is back from prision
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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