I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
