guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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