The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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