I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
