oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
