dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
