You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
You took a bar mat shot.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
