Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Even the bartender felt bad for me
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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