Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
office poll is still running 100% that Spencer Pratt is more disturbing than David Carradine's death
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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