Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I am one with the molecules
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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