remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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