in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I FOUND THE LEGS
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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