im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Just cropdusted the office
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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