Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
