There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
