two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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