i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
