Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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