Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
