I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
