i came on her dog
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
