My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
