I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
