Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
