I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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