the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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