my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
