I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
