Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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