I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
