how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
