Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
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It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
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Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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