I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
