The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
