I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
