I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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