I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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