turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
