Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
