Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
