i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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