I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
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There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
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It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic