bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?