I wish my penis had an off switch
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
