i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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