I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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