I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
