His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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