Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
