it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
