i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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